What a Difference a Year Makes

It's the close of another year and as usual, I'm sitting here analyzing how 2006 compared with past years. After careful consideration (all 5 minutes of it) I've gotta tell you, this year hasn't been half bad. This year I've somehow managed to graduate law school, pass the bar, clean up some major emotional confusion, and get my first "real" job. For the first time I really feel like I've come into my own. Yes, I've had some minor setbacks and granted I'm still living at home with mommy and daddy but hey, if that's the worst of my problems then I've got it made.

Looking back on things, especially at how miserable I was for the most part of 2005, I can't help but realize that all the torment and angst that I experienced was self-imposed. Shit happened I'll admit, but the way I handled certain situations was juvenile at best. Mentally I was unprepared and immature and I think that of all my accomplishments this year the one that I'm the most thankful for and most appreciate is the fact that I've emotionally grown up. I've learned that if someone leaves my world it's not the end of life as I know it. If someone hurts me it's up to me to choose how I react. Someone else's choice of actions does not necessarily have to affect me unless I choose to let it. I choose my actions based on what I know to be the right thing, not what I think will make the most people happy. It is perfectly acceptable to say "no" to people.

I think that if 2005 represented my ultimate slump, 2006 marks my year of ultimate independence and growth. Having said all that, I'm going to celebrate this fantastic year by getting fantastically drunk. Be safe everyone!

My last New Year's eve post:

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Happy New Year
Current Mood: disappointed

The way I look at it, it can only get better. 2005 was a piece of shit.

Tomorrow I Might Own This

Holy shit. I'm buying my first "real" car. And it's expensive as all hell. Yikes! But at least it's cute. Much like it's soon-to-be owner. :)

Oh yes, I almost forgot. Do you think that buying a car before I get this job/promotion is a boneheaded move? My reason for just getting it now rather than waiting until interview results come out is that it's always going to be something. First it was, "oh, I can't get it now because I'm in law school and don't know if I'll make it all the way through." That turned into, "and I definitely can't get it now because I don't know if I'll pass the bar." Which has now evolved into, "I don't know if I'll get promoted so I probably shouldn't buy it yet." I just don't see that cycle ever ending. It'll always be something, won't it?

Oh well, nighty night kiddos.

Round One Not A Huge Success All Around

I've been talking to the other girls around the office who interviewed for the D.D.A. I position and the consensus is that the first round of interviews completely sucked. Even the ever-so-confident girl that sits in the cube in front of me was crapping her pants after round one. And I never thought I'd see that day as long as I live. I mean she's normally that self-confident.

I just feel bad because my very close friend felt like she tanked her interview today. Ahhh well. At least it's over. And, if she really did blow it this afternoon there's always next year. What makes me feel even worse though is that she knows how wonderful I felt about my interview. Crap. I should have kept my stupid trap shut until I found out how hers went.

But all this leaves me thinking? Should I be concerned that I'm the only one who thought my interview went fairly well? Is that the Office's way of telling me I'm a complete eff-tard and that they want absolutely nothing to do with me? Christ, why do I always overthink things...

James Brown is Dead (oh, and Merry Christmas)

No really, he be dead folks. The Godfather of Soul has officially left the building. If you don't believe me you can read about it here. James was quoted as saying, "I'm going away tonight" sometime before he passed away. Sadly enough, the man was only 73. I remember when I used to think that was ancient. Now, for some reason it seems like too young an age to have the curtain close.

Anyhow, in light of the fact that I'm now obsessed with finding out everyone's criminal past, I thought I'd share this:

Brown's personal life was marked by several brushes with the law. At the age of 16, he was arrested for theft and served 3 years in prison. Adrienne Rodriegues, his third wife, had him arrested four times on charges of assault between the mid-1980s and mid-1990s. Brown also served 2 years of a 6 year jail sentence after he led police on a car chase across the Georgia/South Carolina border in 1988. He was convicted of carrying an unlicensed pistol and assaulting a police officer, along with threatening pedestrians with a firearm, abuse of PCP, and other driving offenses.

Awesome. Just effing brilliant. I'd like to see some other celeb try get away with crap like that. Can you imagine Brit-Brit or Paris assaulting a cop, pistol whipping innocent bystanders and then driving 150 down the 405 all the while high on coke?!?! They would be hauled off to jail for 5+ faster than you can say "unfit mother" or "filthy whore".

Here are some other random factoids I happened to dig up on Wikipedia about the late Mr. Brown:

• Brown had his natural eyebrows replaced with tattooed ones in 1991.
• Brown holds the record for the artist who has charted the most singles on the Billboard Hot 100 without ever hitting number one on that chart.
• A mistaken news broadcast reported Brown as dead in 1992. A sample of that broadcast became the basis of a techno hit called "James Brown Is Dead".
  

*In lighter news, I thoroughly cleaned up during the unwrapping-of-the-presents portion of today's events. Let's just say that the theme this year was "Diamonds and Pearls" baby. You know... like that old Prince song. Laaaaaaame, I know. But anyhow, I'll update tomorrow with some pics of my new stuff if I can figure out how to work this new camera dealie.

__________________________________________________
*Yes, I'm aware it's tacky to gloat about presents in a death post. Sue me.

Guts v. Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom and asking, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, having lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying, "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference as both ultimately result in death.

Plan "Staying Alive Past Thirty"

I decided I'd share with y'all what I'm now doing to lower my cholesterol since I'd very much like to see myself live to the ripe old age of at least 40.

Morning: 1 tbsp. flax seed oil washed down by 2 tbsp. psyllium husk in 10 oz water (this is in lieu of breakfast, since I don't eat in the mornings as it is)

Lunch: take 2 tbsp. apple cider vinegar prior to meal (avoid: red meat, non-raw cheese, fried foods, etc. and try to throw in some fish)

Dinner: a whole clove of garlic (or a garlic capsule if I'm going to see anyone after) washed down by 2 more tbsp. apple cider vinegar prior to meal (I usually eat only veggies for dinner since I always eat with my grandparents who are strict organic vegetarians)

After dinner: work out dammit!

Also: Don't eat anything made w/butter during the holidays - yes, this means no cookies or lemon bars. Drink more red wine and less vodka. No more cigarettes PERIOD! And finally, lay of the God damn ranch dressing!!!

So in about two-three months we shall see if these new modifications have any effect on my cholesterol, or my general health for that matter. I'm quite positive the new additions can only help me seeing as how they're completely natural and bound to promote liver health (which in turn will affect my LDL level), but we'll see in exactly what ways they help after my next blood test.

Happy holidays everyone!!!

Ummmmmm

Is it a bad thing that my cholesterol level is 198? Yeah, I'm so going to die at 30.

Goal for tomorrow: finally get my fat, unhealthy ass to the friggin spinning class I've been putting off for two years. No more law school = no more excuses. End of story.

"Kentucky Fruit Cake Recipe"

Ingredients:

1 Cup water
8 oz mixed nuts
1 Cup brown sugar
1 Cup butter
1 tsp. salt
2 Cup dried fruit
4 large eggs
Juice of 1 lemon
1 tea spoon baking powder
1 bottle bourbon (Buffalo Trace or Blanton's works well)

Method:
Sample the bourbon to check quality (very important).
Take a large bowl.
Re-sample the bourbon to ensure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat that procedure.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one tsp sugar and beat again.
Make sure the bourbon is still okay. Cry another tup.
Turn on the mixerer.
Break two eggs and add to the bowl, chuck in the dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loos with a drewscriver.
Sample the bourbon to check for tonsiscency.
Next sift two cups of salt, or . . . something. Who cares?

Check the bourbon.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table to the spoon. Of sugar or something. . . Whatever you can find. . . Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turnerer.
Throw the bowl out of the window, check the bourbon again and go to bed.

Don't forget to search the house for the fruitcake you so painstakingly baked the night before. If you can't find it, it was probably those damn yankees! Some things never change.

Things That Blow - Music Edition

Ok, ok, ok. Now you guys can't tell me that any of you out there actually enjoy listening to these new Gwen Stefani and Fergie songs they're playing on the radio these days. I mean really. I just had to sit through Fergie's latest "hit" and holy shit, I'm dumber for having listened to all three tortuous minutes of it. Does Fergie think that she's in a spelling bee for chrissake?!?! Why is it that every word in every single one of her songs has to be spelled? And incorrectly?!?! Is that her target audience? Deaf people who failed kindergarten???? And another thing. Is her new album even music? I thought for sure that Gwen had cornered the bad music market when she threw in "The Sound of Music" in her last song but Fergie is giving her a good run for her money with this latest trainwreck of hers. And oh man, not to bring back painful memories, but London Bridge honey? What were you thinking! I've heard better lyrics come out of my ass after bad sushi.

On another note, some of you may or may not know that I'm on myspace. Well, from time to time, I get these lame ass guys who send me absolutely ridiculous messages. A few weeks ago there was this one guy who calls himself "Jerry". Our email messages went like this:

From: jerry
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:15 PM
i would love to do you tonight can we meet

From: (¯`·¸·´¯) BRANDITO, Esq.
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:16 PM
Nice pickup line... you really get girls w/that?

From: jerry
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:18 PM
yes i do
can we meet tonight

From: (¯`·¸·´¯) BRANDITO, Esq.
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:20 PM
no

From: jerry
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:24 PM
ok how about tomorrow

From: (¯`·¸·´¯) BRANDITO, Esq.
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:25 PM
how about no

From: jerry
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:26 PM
ok just give me a jb

From: (¯`·¸·´¯) BRANDITO, Esq.
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:27 PM
a what? "jb"?!?!?! if you're talking about a "bj" you must be dyslexic or something and i don't do dyslexics....sorry kiddo.

From: jerry
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:30 PM
yes bj i am not dyslexic .but i am big thick and hard .do you swallow

From: BRANDITO, Esq.
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:33 PM
Well thanks for informing me about your penile beauty and all of its glory. Unfortunately for you my dear, you will never know the answer to your question. Good luck getting laid tonight though. Apparently you need it very badly.

From: jerry
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:37 PM
not as bad as you do.




Well today I got this:
From: jerry
Date: Dec 21 2006 5:25 AM
when can we meet

You've got to be kidding me.....

One Step Closer

So I'm pretty sure my interview today went as well as it could have. For some reason my usual nervous self was nowhere to be found and the interviewers got... well... me. It was kinda nice not having to worry about what was going to come out of my mouth because for once, I had control over it for the most part. I guess now we just wait until January to see if they liked me as much as I thought they did. Then we move on to the grueling round two of the interview process. I'll keep y'all updated when I find out more. Thanks for all the good thoughts today! They worked!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

My interview for DDA I is tomorrow!!!!!! Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap! Please oh please think good thoughts for me tomorrow at 2:00 p.m. This is the only job I'm applying for and if I don't get it I think I'll just die. I have my outfit all picked out and ready to go and my hair is perfectly blown out. So on the outside I'll actually look halfway decent for a change. Now all I need is a brain transplant and I'm good to go. Think my office will finally figure out tomorrow that I'm a dumb blonde? Shit I hope not. Anyhow, wish me luck guys!

Defense Lawyers Make Nice

So there's this little shin-dig that's thrown every year by these three defense lawyers here in L.A.; Kissel, Kestenbaum and Israels (all from different firms I think). Anyhow, it was tonight at Sagebrush Cantina and I went. There were about 500 people there and it was fairly ok. TONS of DA's telling me I'm bound to get hired (I'm knocking on wood right now and you should be too) and a lot of defense lawyers who told me that I'm an idiot because I want to work for the "dark side". Ha, since when did we become the "dark side"? I guess it was kind of neat because I got to hang out with one of the judges I voted for in this past election. The funny part about it was, I had no idea who he was for half the time we were talking. He walked up to me and said, "hey I've seen you around the office, I'm Dave Stewart" and I was like, "oh yeah, I see you every day in the elevator". Then, after we were talking for a few minutes I thought to myself, B, you're such a retard. This is THE Dave Stewart. The one you voted for in the last election Dave Stewart. No wonder the name sounded so familiar. I swear. Sometimes I can be such an idiot. Anyhow, turns out Mr. Stewart is a pretty cool guy and I sure as hell hope he makes a decent judge over at Metro. Good choice for those of you who voted for him as well.

On a different note, I'm so over these holiday events. I've had work lunches all week, family events every night, and I have two more parties this weekend, one of which is black tie (meaning I actually have to shave my legs for once). All I want to do is just be able to come home from work, hop in the tub and have a glass of wine before I hit the hay at 10pm. Is that too much for a girl to ask?

Big Ballin'

Today was neat. Me and a few of my other girlfriends who passed the bar decided to head over to the Omni for this L. A. Barrister's event. Mainly we saw the words, "open bar" and "free food" and decided that it was worth a shot. So we went, we saw, we mingled, we ate, we drank, and then we left. The event itself was fairly dull, but as we were trying to get a ride home it got a little more interesting. My friend and I walked outside and told the valet that we needed a cab. Maybe it was the suits, the smell of really expensive vodka on our breaths or just our sheer combined hotness (yeah, stop laughing) but the guy said, "wait here... I'll get the towncar for you." So my friend and I piled into the hotel car with two other women and the woman in the front seat turned around and asked us where we were going. When we told her we were going back to our office she laughed and turned to her friend and said, "these L.A. lawyers... always working. Must be some big case." Ha, right. If she only knew we were going back to the office just to pick up our cars and go home. So I turned to my co-worker and smiled and told the lady, "huge case actually" just before I jumped out of the car and started laughing hysterically. Big case... yeah, if that's what we're calling Jason's birthday these days.
:)

UCI Gets a Law School

How funny is it that in my last year at UCI I voted on this. I'm just sorry the Regents couldn't get their shit together sooner so I could have attended. I loved that place. Maybe a little too much. Ok, so a lot too much, as my grades definitely reflect. I don't know what it is about really, really good Asian food, great friends and great shopping, but that city has my heart. It's just a shame that the first incoming class won't graduate until 2012.

Nuthin' But Trouble

It's crazy. I've only been a lawyer for 48 hours and I've already managed to get myself in trouble with my boss. Who does that? I'll update more about the madness at work tomorrow night. By then I will have experienced all of the following:

1. A thorough ass-kicking by my boss (this should be the most fun)
   
2. Hearing all my co-workers talk behind my back about what an idiot I am (also good times)
   
3. An explanation by Ampco System Parking as to why my bank account was charged $260 for two months of parking that I've clearly already paid for (I should also note that this caused an important check to bounce)
   
4. A lunch in honor of me and another bar passer at our office (did I mention this little shin-dig is being put together and paid for by my boss?)
   
5. And finally, my first mojito (to soothe my ego after the beating I'm going to take tomorrow)
   

I know this all sounds confusing, but trust me, tomorrow you'll see what I'm talking about. And you're also going to laugh heartily at my expense.

It's Official. I'm a Lawyer!

I was sworn in yesterday at my old alma mater, allowing me to practice in both California state court and in the United States District Court for the Central District of California. It was a fantastic day for me and for my family; even more special than graduation. My grandparents were ecstatic and so proud, and for the first time in about six months, they were happy. They felt great, they chatted up all my other friends, and they even ventured out and met new people on their own. I haven't seen them like that in years. My grandmother ate like a horse, instead of a bird. My grandfather found the pasta bar and three beers later I could hardly tear him away from the damn thing. I think that seeing them enjoy themselves and be social was by far the highlight of my evening, and was so much more fulfilling than any of the night's events.

The ceremony itself lasted for about 30 min's and was pretty okay. One of the judges was a little boring, but nothing too bad. My favorite part of the speech portion was hearing this one quote I think I will remember for the rest of my life. "In your lifetime you will undoubtedly accumulate hundreds of files from clients you've represented, but you will only have one reputation." Great advice from a great lawyer, and I'm sure also a fairly decent judge.

After the ceremony, the school put on this nice little reception with some good eats and three different bar areas. Not too shabby for Southwestern actually. They really went all-out for this. I think it's events like this that they want us to remember when they hit up the alumni for money. So at this reception, while my friends and I were chatting it up over some pâté and wine, I ran into my absolute favorite professor. She was speaking to someone else, but when she saw me she immediately excused herself, grabbed my hand and said, "Miss. X, now that you're officially a lawyer I would love it if you could come in to my class and speak to my students about what it's like to work as a new lawyer at the District Attorney's Office." This, coming from someone I respect and admire so very much was truly an honor. Now all I have to do is get myself actually hired as a lawyer!

Ahhh, it was a great day.

I Heart Steve Cooley

I went to this information session today that was conducted by the L.A. County District Attorney's Office. I was told by one of the new-hire trainers that it would be a good thing so I could get some face time with The Boss. Aside from that, I was told it would be a couple of attorneys with the office going over the benefits of the job, salary stuff, yada yada yada. I know what you're thinking. Booooring. And yeah, I suspected it was going to be pretty blah, but I figured, how bad could it really be?

What I thought would happen:
I would just sit there and listen to the yada yada with my three other girlfriends, and then when it's all over, I'd walk up to Cooley, introduce myself and see how it goes; face time basically.

What actually happened:
DA 1 stands up and talks about the logistics of the office. He talks about pay, office locations and the structure of employment as an attorney with the office. This was the yada yada I expected we were going to be doing the entire time. So he goes on for about 10 minutes and then he's done. All-in-all, not too boring really. Plus he's the guy who interviewed me for my Senior Clerk position so I enjoyed watching him in a more relaxed atmosphere. Come to find, he's a really nice guy and very, very bright.

Cooley gets up immediately thereafter and talks about more yada yada. But he really sold me his yada. I really believed him when he told us that our potential future jobs would be the most meaningful work we would ever have. At this point I realized that I officially heart Steve Cooley. Wow, I never thought those words would ever come out of my mouth.

Next we get DA 2, who gets up and starts talking about how much he loves his job. This guy has college-aged children, come to find, and he looks about 35. Awesome. From this guy I learned that you can be a lawyer and age well. So DA 2 keeps talking and I'm listening, and he keeps just going on and on and on about how much he loves his job. By this time I've moved on from his appearance and I'm really listening to what this guy has to say. He's talking about gang murders, sex crimes, all the really juicy stuff our office has to offer. Right about then, as he was speaking, I was thinking to myself, "Yeah, stick it to those bad guys. You go guy!"

Then comes DA 3, the guy who got me to come to the session in the first place. He tells us that the man who wrote Jim Carrey's, "The Cable Guy" is an attorney with the office. Apparently we have child actors in the office too. I'll have to go find those guys and ask for autographs. I bet that's a good way to get me hired for this next class. Not. After the office stats were over he talks about how we make a difference as prosecutors. He tells us stories about how we save lives by putting away the guy who "almost" beat his wife to death the last time they fought. About how the gang members we put in jail on LWOP's can't kill anymore innocent people. I bet you can tell what I was doing at this point. It was all I could do to not jump right out of my chair and holler a whooping, "Amen brotha". Needless to say, I was all worked up by now.

Then DA 4 comes out to speak (a baby DA), and she shares her stories about trying 10 felonies in her first year and a half at the office. It was like taking a syringe of pure adrenaline and injecting it into my veins.

By the end of the mini Q&A sesh that immediately followed, I was Superstar Eager Wanna-be Prosecutor Girl, with clammy hands and a nervous stomach to boot. I almost did "spirit fingers" for Chrissake. So I immediately jump up out of my seat the moment the applause ends, anxious to be the first one to shake hands with The Boss, feeling like I did when I first realized why I wanted to be a District Attorney. I felt like I was going to change the world. And then I met Steve. Mr. Cooley. Boss-man. How he understood anything that was frantically coming out of my mouth at top-speed was beyond me, but suffice it to say, the man gave me some great advice. Then I made my rounds and I was out. All-in-all I'd say it was a fairly lovely and successful evening for a hopeful prosecutor like myself. Just dandy.

Jak sie masz? My name Borat. I like you. I like sex. Is nice!

If you guys haven't crawled out of your post-bar glory holes to see Sacha Baron Cohen as Borat, you don't deserve to get sworn in this Friday night. It was amazing. The kind of amazing that only comes along once in a blue moon. Go see it now! Seriously. Like now. Right f-ing now. With your parents. Not.

I made the mistake of seeing this flick with my mom and step-dad who thankfully are two of the most chill people in the world. However, I would NOT recommend that anyone else see this movie with their parental unit. There was one part where, regardless of how amazingly open-minded my parents are, I just had to cover my face with my hands. All I'm going to say, without giving away the entire scene, is that it had to do with two naked men. One man was straddling another man's face and pretty much rubbing his asshole on his moustache. Did I say too much? I mean full frontal male nudity is one thing, but holy crap!!!! I have NEVER seen anything that rivaled this scene in terms of its grotesque factor. And this, coming from someone who made it a career of watching gay-midget-fifty-year-old porn just for shits and giggles. That should adequately describe the icky-ness of this scene. And if it doesn't, there's this nice little part shortly thereafter where Borat tells his little buddy that his moustache still tastes of his testes. Ok, wrong. Just plain wrong. On sooo many levels. Not to mention especially wrong to someone who is watching it with the woman who gave birth to her.

So there I am sitting in the movie theater (at this point I literally had to move so I was a seat away from my parents) and while I'm embarrassed as all hell, I look over at my mother and step-father and they're practically falling out of their chairs they're laughing so hard. Nice. I'm completely embarrassed and they don't even realize I'm sitting right next to them. F-ing brilliant.

So after I mentally regrouped and got over the whole cock and ball sideshow, (never did I move back to my original seat I might add) things calmed down and I was only forced to see a few more ass shots before the credits started rolling. Then, as my family and I are walking outside, my step-dad leans over to me and says, "Oksana huh? I think our Oksana is a little different than the one in that movie. Ours is a hot little piece of ass." Oh gee. Thanks step-dad. Thanks sooo much for that. Hell, at that point I was just thankful I didn't have to hear the word "vagine" anymore that anything would have been music to my ears. But Okie, if you're reading this, my apologies. You know we all think you're hot, but apparently my step-dad and his little manly-man club worship you as well.

So there you have it. Borat was absolutely killer dammit.

Quote of the day:
Borat Sagdiyev: What kind of car can I buy that attract woman with shaved vagine?
Car Dealership owner: That would be a Corvette.

Note To Self

Never, EVER leave your drink at a table where other people have access to it or accept drinks from strangers. This rule applies even when accepting drinks from "famous" strangers. If you do something this stupid in the future Miss Smarty Pants Lawyer Girl, you only have yourself to blame if your idiot-ass gets roofied again.

Newly added to the list of things I'm thankful for:

1. My parents, for taking care of my me even though I whined pathetically for hours on end
2. The fact that I have some halfway decent friends (The not-so-decent friends know who they are.)
3. Warm baths
4. Coffee and other caffeinated substances
5. That the govt. official conducting my background check was nowhere in sight (Thank F-ing God!)
   
6. Club security for "taking care" of the celebrity who roofied me (Oh wait. No. I take that back. Eff club security for blaming me, claiming that I was voluntarily intoxicated and trying to get attention by blaming a celebrity. Yeah, that sounds about right.)