I Heart Steve Cooley

I went to this information session today that was conducted by the L.A. County District Attorney's Office. I was told by one of the new-hire trainers that it would be a good thing so I could get some face time with The Boss. Aside from that, I was told it would be a couple of attorneys with the office going over the benefits of the job, salary stuff, yada yada yada. I know what you're thinking. Booooring. And yeah, I suspected it was going to be pretty blah, but I figured, how bad could it really be?

What I thought would happen:
I would just sit there and listen to the yada yada with my three other girlfriends, and then when it's all over, I'd walk up to Cooley, introduce myself and see how it goes; face time basically.

What actually happened:
DA 1 stands up and talks about the logistics of the office. He talks about pay, office locations and the structure of employment as an attorney with the office. This was the yada yada I expected we were going to be doing the entire time. So he goes on for about 10 minutes and then he's done. All-in-all, not too boring really. Plus he's the guy who interviewed me for my Senior Clerk position so I enjoyed watching him in a more relaxed atmosphere. Come to find, he's a really nice guy and very, very bright.

Cooley gets up immediately thereafter and talks about more yada yada. But he really sold me his yada. I really believed him when he told us that our potential future jobs would be the most meaningful work we would ever have. At this point I realized that I officially heart Steve Cooley. Wow, I never thought those words would ever come out of my mouth.

Next we get DA 2, who gets up and starts talking about how much he loves his job. This guy has college-aged children, come to find, and he looks about 35. Awesome. From this guy I learned that you can be a lawyer and age well. So DA 2 keeps talking and I'm listening, and he keeps just going on and on and on about how much he loves his job. By this time I've moved on from his appearance and I'm really listening to what this guy has to say. He's talking about gang murders, sex crimes, all the really juicy stuff our office has to offer. Right about then, as he was speaking, I was thinking to myself, "Yeah, stick it to those bad guys. You go guy!"

Then comes DA 3, the guy who got me to come to the session in the first place. He tells us that the man who wrote Jim Carrey's, "The Cable Guy" is an attorney with the office. Apparently we have child actors in the office too. I'll have to go find those guys and ask for autographs. I bet that's a good way to get me hired for this next class. Not. After the office stats were over he talks about how we make a difference as prosecutors. He tells us stories about how we save lives by putting away the guy who "almost" beat his wife to death the last time they fought. About how the gang members we put in jail on LWOP's can't kill anymore innocent people. I bet you can tell what I was doing at this point. It was all I could do to not jump right out of my chair and holler a whooping, "Amen brotha". Needless to say, I was all worked up by now.

Then DA 4 comes out to speak (a baby DA), and she shares her stories about trying 10 felonies in her first year and a half at the office. It was like taking a syringe of pure adrenaline and injecting it into my veins.

By the end of the mini Q&A sesh that immediately followed, I was Superstar Eager Wanna-be Prosecutor Girl, with clammy hands and a nervous stomach to boot. I almost did "spirit fingers" for Chrissake. So I immediately jump up out of my seat the moment the applause ends, anxious to be the first one to shake hands with The Boss, feeling like I did when I first realized why I wanted to be a District Attorney. I felt like I was going to change the world. And then I met Steve. Mr. Cooley. Boss-man. How he understood anything that was frantically coming out of my mouth at top-speed was beyond me, but suffice it to say, the man gave me some great advice. Then I made my rounds and I was out. All-in-all I'd say it was a fairly lovely and successful evening for a hopeful prosecutor like myself. Just dandy.

Jak sie masz? My name Borat. I like you. I like sex. Is nice!

If you guys haven't crawled out of your post-bar glory holes to see Sacha Baron Cohen as Borat, you don't deserve to get sworn in this Friday night. It was amazing. The kind of amazing that only comes along once in a blue moon. Go see it now! Seriously. Like now. Right f-ing now. With your parents. Not.

I made the mistake of seeing this flick with my mom and step-dad who thankfully are two of the most chill people in the world. However, I would NOT recommend that anyone else see this movie with their parental unit. There was one part where, regardless of how amazingly open-minded my parents are, I just had to cover my face with my hands. All I'm going to say, without giving away the entire scene, is that it had to do with two naked men. One man was straddling another man's face and pretty much rubbing his asshole on his moustache. Did I say too much? I mean full frontal male nudity is one thing, but holy crap!!!! I have NEVER seen anything that rivaled this scene in terms of its grotesque factor. And this, coming from someone who made it a career of watching gay-midget-fifty-year-old porn just for shits and giggles. That should adequately describe the icky-ness of this scene. And if it doesn't, there's this nice little part shortly thereafter where Borat tells his little buddy that his moustache still tastes of his testes. Ok, wrong. Just plain wrong. On sooo many levels. Not to mention especially wrong to someone who is watching it with the woman who gave birth to her.

So there I am sitting in the movie theater (at this point I literally had to move so I was a seat away from my parents) and while I'm embarrassed as all hell, I look over at my mother and step-father and they're practically falling out of their chairs they're laughing so hard. Nice. I'm completely embarrassed and they don't even realize I'm sitting right next to them. F-ing brilliant.

So after I mentally regrouped and got over the whole cock and ball sideshow, (never did I move back to my original seat I might add) things calmed down and I was only forced to see a few more ass shots before the credits started rolling. Then, as my family and I are walking outside, my step-dad leans over to me and says, "Oksana huh? I think our Oksana is a little different than the one in that movie. Ours is a hot little piece of ass." Oh gee. Thanks step-dad. Thanks sooo much for that. Hell, at that point I was just thankful I didn't have to hear the word "vagine" anymore that anything would have been music to my ears. But Okie, if you're reading this, my apologies. You know we all think you're hot, but apparently my step-dad and his little manly-man club worship you as well.

So there you have it. Borat was absolutely killer dammit.

Quote of the day:
Borat Sagdiyev: What kind of car can I buy that attract woman with shaved vagine?
Car Dealership owner: That would be a Corvette.

Note To Self

Never, EVER leave your drink at a table where other people have access to it or accept drinks from strangers. This rule applies even when accepting drinks from "famous" strangers. If you do something this stupid in the future Miss Smarty Pants Lawyer Girl, you only have yourself to blame if your idiot-ass gets roofied again.

Newly added to the list of things I'm thankful for:

1. My parents, for taking care of my me even though I whined pathetically for hours on end
2. The fact that I have some halfway decent friends (The not-so-decent friends know who they are.)
3. Warm baths
4. Coffee and other caffeinated substances
5. That the govt. official conducting my background check was nowhere in sight (Thank F-ing God!)
   
6. Club security for "taking care" of the celebrity who roofied me (Oh wait. No. I take that back. Eff club security for blaming me, claiming that I was voluntarily intoxicated and trying to get attention by blaming a celebrity. Yeah, that sounds about right.)