"Kentucky Fruit Cake Recipe"

Ingredients:

1 Cup water
8 oz mixed nuts
1 Cup brown sugar
1 Cup butter
1 tsp. salt
2 Cup dried fruit
4 large eggs
Juice of 1 lemon
1 tea spoon baking powder
1 bottle bourbon (Buffalo Trace or Blanton's works well)

Method:
Sample the bourbon to check quality (very important).
Take a large bowl.
Re-sample the bourbon to ensure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat that procedure.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one tsp sugar and beat again.
Make sure the bourbon is still okay. Cry another tup.
Turn on the mixerer.
Break two eggs and add to the bowl, chuck in the dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loos with a drewscriver.
Sample the bourbon to check for tonsiscency.
Next sift two cups of salt, or . . . something. Who cares?

Check the bourbon.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table to the spoon. Of sugar or something. . . Whatever you can find. . . Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turnerer.
Throw the bowl out of the window, check the bourbon again and go to bed.

Don't forget to search the house for the fruitcake you so painstakingly baked the night before. If you can't find it, it was probably those damn yankees! Some things never change.