Thank You Mr. Cunningham

It's because of you and your brilliant legal counsel that I'm having to rewrite jury instructions all day-every day at work.

To all you PD's out there (which is all of my readership, go figure) looks like this may be a small victory for you. Have fun getting all of your clients out of jail early!

How Do I Hate T-Mobile? Let Me Count The Ways.

1. When I tell you that I have clammy hands and that is the reason for my water damage sticker being discolored rather than me dropping my phone in a toilet, STOP CALLING ME A LIAR AND TELLING ME THAT THIS TYPE OF "PHONE DAMAGE" IS NOT COVERED UNDER THE WARRANTY!!! The only thing that seems to be water logged in this scenario is your customer service rep's brain. Clearly.

2. When a little punk kid steals my phone and downloads all sorts of games and pictures DO NOT CALL ME A LIAR AND STILL CHARGE ME FOR THE DAMN THINGS!!! If I report a phone stolen and go through all the trouble to file a stinking police report, and pictures of 14 year old Latina girls start showing up on my phone, it's a safe bet that IT'S NOT ME, YOU RETARDS! Get with the program already.

3. If I go over my minutes because my grandmother is in the hospital practically dying and I'm having to call all my friends five times a day for moral support, GIVE ME A FRIGGIN BREAK!!! It's not the end of the world if you're out a piddly $200. I on the other hand am a broke-ass law student trying to make ends meet on a very meager salary and I have to pay $10 a day for hospital parking so I can watch someone I love rapidly deteriorate. It's okay to something good once in awhile. I know it's a foreign feeling but deal with it. It will only benefit you in the long run.


Having said all that (I should note that I feel a ton better), does anyone have any suggestions for me as to potential replacement cell phone providers? I'm leaning towards Cingular since the office is under contract with them and I get discounted everything, but I'm not sure how reliable their service is or how pleasant customer service reps are for that company. Also, I'm not even sure that I'll get hired with the office at this point. Any tips would appreciated.

I Have No Clue How My Interview Went

Scary, isn't it? The first one I knew I rocked, the second one I knew went halfway decent, but the third? Well, even though I was there, I still don't know what happened.

We started off by discussing how I got started in the office and what originally prompted me to pursue the field of criminal law. My answers were solid and I was happy. The conversation then turned to my affiliation with Mensa. Mr. Boss-man suggested that the group was made up of a bunch of fuddy duddy's who got together to discuss relevant social and political issues over expensive cigars and snifters of Brandy (I immediately flashed to that one scene in Titanic). I had a solid response to this also. He then asked if I was familiar with the DA website and I told him that I was. He asked about another website, excapingjustice.com, which I had never heard of. I suggested that he write it down so I could check it later, and quicker than I could shoot myself in the foot the man replied, "Well you're in Mensa Ms. B Lawyer, you should be able to remember that." (Ouch. Baaaaaaaaad answer kiddo.) The Chief Deputy then asked me what I did to prepare for the interview upon which I disclosed that I had researched the two of them online and had talked about their history with the office with several of my bosses. I ran through the Chief Deputy's entire background, which I'm sure he was at least somewhat impressed by, and then it was Mr. Boss-man's turn. When we got to him I told him that I knew he lived by my parents (and me of course) and he proceeded to give me directions to the front door of his house, warning me that if I walk by with my dog on Sundays I might catch him out in the front gardening or washing his car. I was so stunned by this that I completely lost all track of the conversation and I'm sure I got this baffled look on my face and/or turned bright bright red. I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT HAPPENED IN THE INTERVIEW FROM THAT POINT ON!!! The last thing I remember was the Chief Deputy giving me the boilerplate about hiring. Then I stood up, shook their hands (with yet again, the clammiest mo-fo's anyone's ever seen this side of the Mississippi) and said, "thank you for the interview" before quickly making my exit.

Ahhh Christ. Knowing me I said/did something absolutely retarded, or just stupid enough to not get hired during my momentary time lapse. I swear, I can't take me anywhere.

Update: I just heard today from one of the DA's that he heard Mr. Boss-man told a law clerk that he frequently washed his car in the buff and she should come by and check him out. Next thing I know he'll have some secret love child with said law clerk. Talk about a game of telephone!!!!!!!

I Could Make a Career Out of Interviewing

Tomorrow is officialy the grand finale people. At 9am sharp, the District Attorney, the Chief Deputy District Attorney, and little old law-clerk me will be sitting across from each other engaged in a discussion that could potentially land me my dream job. I can't believe I'm finally here! It seems like just yesterday I was in law school watching all of my friends go through this process. What a difference a year makes. Now I'm venturing out on my own and developing my career as a new lawyer. Amazing. Just amazing.

Anyhow, I'll keep it short as I still have some much needed interview prep-work to tend to and I don't really have anything interesting to say. Shocker, I know. So with that, nighty night and send good thoughts my way tomorrow morning. I need all the thoughts/prayers/whatevers I can get.

I Heart the D.A.'s Office

Even though I was so nervous that I stopped breathing a few times and shook my interviewers' hands goodbye with what I can only imagine were the clammiest hands they've ever felt, I somehow made it to round 3.

And what does this mean for me? It means that this Thursday, in the early hours of the morning, I'll be sitting across from Mr. Boss-man hoping I haven't completely forgotten how to speak the English language. This also means that on Wed. night I'll be performing my pre-interview ritual of getting my hair blown out, shaving my legs (twice in one week, can you belive it?!), and performing some type of spray on tan so he doesn't think I'm an albino. Oh yes, and I completely forgot the part where I frantically search through my closet, throw basically everything I own onto my bed and then try on every single combination of suits and blouses and shoes until I find the outfit that makes me look the smartest and least sexy. And we can't forget the hour it takes to coordinate jewelry. Heaven forbid I should wind up with gold earrings when I have silver accents on my purse.

The things I'll do for this office... amazing isn't it?

BIIIIIIIIIIIG Interview Tomorrow

Tomorrow's the day folks. At 2pm I, B Lawyer, will be trying not to throw up all over myself during my second interview with the Office. I'm so nervous I can't even eat. And that's NEVER a problem for me. So far today I've gone shopping for a new outfit, had my hair blown out (okay, so I did that yesterday), had a mani/pedi with my nana, shaved my legs (this is a rarity for me), gone to the dry cleaner's for rush orders twice because I can't figure out which suit makes me look the smartest, and I think in a few minutes I'm going to have myself mystic tanned. You may be laughing at me right now but keep in mind this is the ONLY job I am applying for. They are going to get me at my best come hail or high water. Now that the outside is in tip top shape I need to work on the inside, meaning I need to sit down and think of clever responses to the question, "Miss B Lawyer, what makes you the best candidate for this position?" Wish me luck tomorrow kiddos!!!

Wish Me Luck

I'm off in about 30 minutes to have my eyes checked. Let's hope when I get home I don't look like this...

Quote This - Court Edition

I overheard this conversation today between a woman whose son had just plead guilty to three counts of attempted murder (with personal use of a firearm and a gang allegation) and the defense lawyer who represented aforementioned son. Let's call the son "Jose". I should also mention here that "Jose" took a deal that got him 8 years in state prison. Holy Christ, was that a phenominal deal. Anyhow, here's what I heard.

Woman: "I can't believe that shit you pulled in there."
Defense lawyer: "Excuse me?"
Woman: "You think we respect you? You need to earn my respect. You can't just walk into court and pull shit like that."
Defense lawyer (now turning bright red): "I'm sorry for whatever I did ma'am."
Woman (now speaking VERY loudly): "Well I can't believe you just did that. How can you behave like that and expect the judge to take you seriously. You need to watch yourself. You need to earn some respect around here. You need to respect my son and my family. I don't know how you treat your other clients but if you treat them how you treated us then I feel sorry for them. You really need to be more considerate of people."
Defense lawyer (looking visibly agitated): "Yes ma'am, I'll work on it."

Ummm excuse me lady, but did you take some crazy pills this morning with breakfast?!? You'd think the guy had just scored her son a needle in the arm or something. I mean shit... "Jose" is clearly a bad, bad dude and with good time/work time credits he'll be out and free to shoot the crap out of whomever he chooses in about 4 years. Respect?!?! If anybody needs to learn respect it's this clearly delusional woman who knows nothing about the law and who needs to learn how to keep her mouth closed in public. And how about not chewing out a damn good public defender when two prosecutors are standing a foot away from him. To be perfectly honest, I don't know how you PD's are able to take crap like that and still continue to do your jobs effectively. I'd be out of there quicker than you can say, "they're all guilty your honor."

Yee-Ha!

I got a call-back today from the Office and my second interview is next Monday! Now I just have to pick out my outfit and think of some catchy little phrases about why I'm such a superstar.

As for the previous post, just ignore it. Whatever happens, happens. I'm over it. Life is too short to worry about the things I am powerless to change. Here's something my grandma gave me today at dinner that brought a smile to my face.

"In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was 'exciting'. Regarding body changes she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist first. The audience laughed so hard they cried. Then she said this, 'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a living is not the same as making a life. I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.' "

And there you go. Nighty night.

This Whole "Dating" Thing Makes Me Crazy - and I'm already pretty crazy to begin with

Ok, so I'm **"dating" this guy. I must have referenced him in one of my previous posts as I've received more than a few emails asking me who this mystery man is. Well, what I'm about to tell you may clue you in to this ***fine young gentleman's identity, if you really know me that is. If not, then too bad-so sad for you. For now let's just call him DB. Okay? And by the way, there will be no commenting to this post with suggestions of who you think this boy is. If you really, really, really need to know you can send me a message on myspace and I'll contemplate telling you if you're right.

Clue number one:
Let's just say this isn't the first time DB and I have "dated". And it ain't the second time either. In fact, I think this is the third or fourth time we've tried this whole "dating" thing actually.

Clue number two:
Shit, I can't think of anything else clever to say.

The whole point of this lame post:
Ok, so here goes. I spent the weekend at DB's place playing house and as I was leaving this morning I just happened to glance over at his computer while I was giving him a kiss on the head. Much to my dismay, I saw that he had a message from Yahoo personals in his inbox. So I thought for a minute and I remembered when I had my personal ad up, how I'd get these hilarious updates of people who Yahoo thought would be my perfect match. Needless to say they were anything but perfect matches. I distinctly remember those little emails providing me with more laughter than most other things at one point. So I brushed it off and figured, hey, what the hell. DB probably just reads the stupid things for laughter, much like I used to do. And that was it. Case closed.

I left DB's place a few minutes later and drove home, the whole time singing at the top of my lungs to some lame ass Britney compilation I found in my glove compartment. But that's neither here nor there. So I got home and maybe an hour later I went online and checked my email. I sent some IM's, yada yada. Then it hit me. Check to see if the little effer has his Yahoo profile still up. Mind you, mine went down the second time we started "dating", just out of respect for him, so I wasn't too horribly terrified about finding anything since I figured he'd have done the same for me.

So there I am, I'm browsing, checking out all sorts of hotties and their cheesy headlines and then all of a sudden BAM, there's the little effer's picture. My heart started to race. And, his profile says that he's been active w/in the last 24 hours. Un-effing-believable. At this point I thought my heart was going to explode. Even better was that within his profile DB said, "I long for somebody who makes me want to stop looking.....somebody who balances normal with unique......somebody with character. I'm anxious, patient, and optimistic......but I know you're out there." What did I do next you might wonder? No, my heart didn't explode, but oh hell, did I do all kinds of freaking out. Palms were sweating, I felt my face turn a shade of red that probably terrified my cat, and curse words I haven't uttered in a LONG time were spewing out of my mouth in a tone of voice that almost scared me a little bit. Yep, I had a full-blown freak out.

So I hop on AIM and we had a nice little chat:
Me (11:00:34 AM): are you fucking kidding me [DB]?!?!
DB (11:00:40 AM): ?
DB (11:00:45 AM): what's wrong?
Me (11:01:00 AM): you've got to be kidding me
DB (11:01:05 AM): what?
Me (11:01:15 AM): [This is where I cut and pasted text from his personals profile.]
DB (11:01:23 AM): ha!
Me (11:01:26 AM): ha my ass
Me (11:01:33 AM): are you fucking kidding me
DB (11:01:36 AM): i wrote that 2 years ago
Me (11:01:47 AM): and apparently never felt the need to take it down
DB (11:01:53 AM): i never check it
Me (11:02:06 AM): right...that's why it says active w/in the past 24 hours.
DB (11:02:14 AM): i got the email
DB (11:02:22 AM): and logged into my yahoo mail account
Me (11:02:29 AM): gotcha
DB (11:02:34 AM): don't get all poopy
DB (11:02:42 AM): i'm not looking!
Me (11:02:51 AM): well i see shit like that and i get all freaked out
DB (11:03:01 AM): apparently
Me (11:03:12 AM): so what am i supposed to think when i see shit like this
DB (11:03:28 AM): that it's very old
Me (11:03:33 AM): ok
Me (11:03:40 AM): if you say that you're not using it then i believe you
DB (11:03:47 AM): i'm not using it

And that's that. I trust my guy. In the past I would have scolded him for days for doing crap like this but really, where is that going to get me. It's not like he did anything wrong by putting up a personal ad while we were broken up. Nor would it have been wrong of him to use it until maybe a month ago. I like that it's becoming easier and easier to trust him. I like where we are. I like that if he tells me he's not looking, I believe him instantly. He doensn't have to talk me into it. But there is one thing that's bothering me though. For some reason I can't help but feel like I should have asked him to take it down. Is that reasonable to ask of someone you're just "dating"?

_____________________________________________
**I put the word dating in quotation marks because I'm not sure yet that this is what we're calling it. In the past week I've heard him refer to what we're doing as 'talking a lot'. Oh let me tell you, that made me soooo happy to hear coming out of his mouth. Not. Soooooo not.

***The words "fine" and "young" are subject to removal in the event that DB turns out be doing what it is I thought he was in "the whole point of this lame post" portion.

Quote of the Day

"I want to wish you all a happy new year, filled with inattentive clients and easily-misled judges."

-Anonymous Lawyer

Hello 2007

Okay, I have to be perfectly honest about something. As I was sitting down to do this list it dawned on me that I don't have very many goals for the year. I really had to work just to come up with this short list of 10 goals. Not that I don't need improvement or want certain things to happen for me this year, but I think with all of 2006's big events most of my life goals have been checked off. I think this just might be a development year for me. I'm just starting my career, I've started a new relationship with an amazing person, and I'm starting to figure out my adult self. The way I look at it, life is good as is. All I need now are a few material things and I'm good.

On a different note, I hope everyone had a fun and safe New Year's celebration last night. I was sans phone so my apologies for not calling or texting anyone. Apparently this was not a bright move on my part, as evidenced by several of you calling me and chewing me out today. All I can say in my defense is that the blonde is fake but the dumb is real. Sorry people. It's better that you find out now just how truly retarded I can be sometimes.

To-do list for '07:

1. Get hired as an attorney with the Office (if this doesn't happen I'll be devastated)
   
2. Work out more (perhaps get a trainer as well)
3. Get a new cell phone (one that actually works would be nice)
   
4. Get a new car (mine decided to be bitchy and conk out on me in San Diego this morning. What a way to ring in the new year.)
5. Keep eating healthy (for some reason this isn't a problem for me right now)
6. Drink less alcohol (oh, but this sure is)
7. Only maintain relationships if they are healthy ones (as is this. Biiiiiiiig problem actually.)
   
8. Buy a house (or at least start looking)
   
9. Get a financial planner so I can start managing my money (all two cents of it)
10. Take a vacation that forces me to leave the country (Thailand perhaps)