Libel Per Quod

Work - week 1

2007-05-19T18:46:00.000-07:00

2 trials
+
1 1538.5
+
1 Serna
+
25 pages of calendar to get through every day

=
HOLY SHIT!

Hmmmmm

2007-03-16T21:18:00.000-07:00

It's 9:19 on Friday night. Is it normal that my boyfriend is out to dinner with another woman right now?

Oh, and to top it all off, last night I had the pleasure of dining with aforementioned boyfriend in the presence of the girl he was banging while we were broken up.

How did I get so lucky?

Found In The Penal Code

2007-03-14T18:44:00.000-07:00

Section 26

All persons are capable of committing crimes except those belonging to the following classes:

One--Children under the age of 14, in the absence of clear proof that at the time of committing the act charged against them, they knew its wrongfulness.

Two--Idiots.

Well that clears up an awful lot.

The Cabbage Patch

2007-03-13T19:10:00.000-07:00

I thought this was kinda cute, but it could very well be completely stupid:

A farmer owns a patch of cabbages. His neighbor's goat breaks loose and eats the cabbages. The farmer goes to his neighbor and says, "I had a patch of cabbages worth $100. Your goat ate my cabbages. Pay me my $100."

Then the owner of the goat says, "You had no cabbages. If you had any cabbages they weren't eaten. If your cabbages were eaten, it was not by a goat. If your cabbages were eaten by a goat, it wasn't my goat. And if it was my goat, he was insane."

Oh, and I start work in a month :)

Feb Bar Exam - Day 1

2007-02-27T17:48:00.000-08:00

Real Property
Corporations
Crim Law

PT - Professional Responsibility

Holy crap I'm glad I passed the first time. Good luck to all you repeaters out there!

What's New

2007-02-26T20:21:00.000-08:00

Since I was hired a few weeks back things have completely changed at work. Even though I'm still just a law clerk, I feel like my bosses have been giving me much more complex assignments and a ton more responsibility than I previously had. I've been in court almost every day since I received the good news, my boss let me do my own exhibits for a case we had been working on (I know this sounds completely lame but I swear it isn't), and today I was able to see the beginning stages of a potential death penalty case. I must say, this is the happiest I've been in a long time. I really enjoy what I'm about to do for a living and I'm glad that my work is a source of happiness for me.

But, while things have been progressing nicely at work, it seems that bad things keep happening all around me. Not to me, but literally around me. For example, on Valentine's Day I saw not one, but two deaths. First, a guy jumped off the 405 in front of me and then about an hour later I saw some dude lying dead in an apartment parking lot; my guess... gang murder. It was Van Nuys after all. Oh, and then my personal favorite, the week after Val's Day I was involved in an accident with a drunk driver. And when I say drunk I mean druuuunk. Like "passed out at the wheel while driving" drunk. The guy nearly drove me right off the road. I followed him to make sure there wasn't going to be a hit and run situation, and watched him take out three other cars and a pedestrian. Not fun. But I'm ok and so is my car, so that's good. I am a little traumatized by all of this though.

Oh, and happier news... I'm going to see The Police for my birthday :)

You May Now Address Me As....

2007-02-13T18:13:00.000-08:00

Deputy District Attorney B. Lawyer bizznatches!!!!! I got the job. Holy crap. I got the job.

Grammys Recap (My play-by-play)

2007-02-11T20:08:00.000-08:00

The Police were UN-EFFING-BELIEVABLE!!! Jamie Foxx was hilarious when he said, "Snoop heard the police were opening for the Grammy's and he bounced. He's probably out cripwalking on the 405 somewhere."

Stevie Wonder dedicating his win (for his collaboration w/Tony Bennett) to his late mother was sweet and almost brought a tear to my eye.

Natalie from the Dixie Chicks looks good with darker hair but what on earth was that ridiculous dress she was sporting? It looked like something Madonna would have worn in the 80's. And those arm bands on the other two??? Fire your stylist kiddos. But seriously, all fashion mishaps aside, it was a damn good performance and congrats on your wins this evening. You guys definitely deserved it. That quote from Nelson Muntz in your acceptance speech was priceless.

And then there was Beyonce. Aside from having a flower garden sprouting out of the right side of her forehead and wearing a completely see-through dress she was pretty ok. It would have been funny had she fallen down those steps though. Perhaps that would have made her boring ass song seem a little more interesting.

Oh my God. Fergie can't read. And Will I Am bronzed his ear. Holy Christ, what is wrong with the Black Eyed Peas?!?

Mary J. cried when she won and started by thanking her savior Jesus Christ. That woman should be thanking her rehab counselors. And holy shit, unlike Miss. Ferga-loser-icious, Mary J. can definitely read. But here's a tip woman, put the note cards down or else memorize that shit already!!! And FYI, the music means stop genius.

Oh Mr. Timberlake. Where do I begin with you my dear? For starters, the only reason we like you is b/c you can shake your ass like a black man. Quit trying to be a "real musician" and put the piano away. Boooooooring. And what's up w/that lame home video thing. If we wanted to see your nose hairs maybe that would have been ok, but holy hell. Whoever thought of that "camera to the dome" feature is missing a few brain cells .

It's official. Pink is a lesbot.

Oh no Mary's up there again but this time thankfully sans flashcards. Again with the praising Jesus thing though. And now she's talking about the Valley? WTF?!? Maybe she should have stayed on the drugs a little while longer. Maybe I'll understand the hype about this woman after her performance later in the show.

I officially heart Corinne Bailey Rae. Such a beautiful voice on that one. So not beautiful however was John Mayer's O-face he sported throughout his portion of the performance. Someone please tell that half of "Fugs 'n Jugs" that his facial expressions are so not hot. And who the heck is John Legend?

Mr. O-face didn't thank Jessica Simpson (Jugs) after he won for best pop album. Ha ha. Gotta love that.

Things to do this week: take up bellydancing and learn how to shake my ass like Shakira. That woman's lower body fascinates me.

Dear man currently singing, "Crazy",
Who are you and what did you do with Gnarles Barkley?
-B
P.S. Congratulate Luda on his win for me. He's so getting ass tonight with that new hairdo. But thanking Bill O'Reilly and Oprah? That's might have set him back a bit.

Well, Mary J just performed and I'm still confused as to all the hype surrounding that woman. Carrie Underwood's hype however, I completely understand. She made country music tolerable as did Rascall Flats. Did anyone else notice that Miss Underwood no longer has cankles?

Holy crap. Natalie Cole is tranny-licious (sorry Nat). And Smoky Robinson looks about 40 thanks to 3 gallons of Botox.

Someone should have told Chris Brown that performing at the Grammys means you actually have to sing. Dancing while your track plays in the background is so Milli Vanilli.

And then there was Christina...marriage clearly suits her. One wrong note ain't the end of the world honey but that hairstyle you're rocking might be. If I were you I'd get ahold of Ken Paves.

James Blunt blows. Good lullabye music though by the time 10:45 rolled around. Is this over yet?

Wow. Homegirl who got picked to sing w/Justin really pulled it together. If I was her I'd have yakked all over the place on my way onstage and then shit myself once I saw who was in the audience. Much props to Robin.

Dude I'm so over this. Nighty night kids. They should have this type of an award show for lawyers. I'd stay up for that.

The Waiting Game

2007-02-10T18:54:00.000-08:00

No answer this week as to whether the Office chose to pick me up for the incoming class of DDA's. We were told we would have an answer by the first week in Feb, but the other Senior Clerks and I heard through the grapevine that due to extraordinarily high applicant numbers this year, interviews took substantially longer than normal. Per sources close to Mr. Boss-man we'll now be learning our fate between Mon-Wed of this next week.

You would think that I'd be used to all this waiting seeing as how I recently endured that massive 4 month wait for bar results, but no; yet again I'm a basket case. Keep sending all those good thoughts and pray that I calm the heck down. Last thing I need in my life is more stress.

It's About That Time - Life Updates

2007-02-04T21:58:00.000-08:00

Work Update: Looks like I'll be finding out this week whether or not I got the gig I've been trying to land. Keep me in your thoughts, prayers, meditations, etc. I really, really hope I get good news this week. I'll update when I know more.

Boy Update: Things are going great. It's different the second time around because I realize that the things that bothered me the first time don't really matter. Not a lot really matters other than having the opportunity to be with the one I love. What can I say? Live and learn. Also, even though I behaved completely inappropriately to him in the past, his friends seem to be accepting of the fact that we're trying to work things out. They've welcomed me back (so far) with open arms and while I'm really surprised, I'm also completely happy about that. I really missed these people. I really missed my old happy life and now it could be coming back to me. It's been a wonderful 2007 so far. Let's hope it stays that way.

Family Update: The 'rents are hitting up Hawaii this week so I'll be all by my lonesome with my animals and my crazy neighbors who spend more time in my house than I do. If anyone wants to do happy hour or dinner this week let me know. I have a ton of free time on my hands.

Car Update: I might pick it up on the 15th. Holy crap. I'm finally getting a nice car.

Liver Update: I'm giving up hard-liquor. I can't seem to figure out my limit as it's constantly changing on me. So rather than continuing to get overly intoxicated and misbehave I'm just going to avoid it altogether. From now on it's beer and wine baby. My liver will thank me. As will my bank account. Also, if I'm going to be pursuing a government career it's not good that I portray myself publicly as a person of questionable judgment. No more craziness for me. It's time for me to grow up.

Thank You Mr. Cunningham

2007-01-29T21:31:00.000-08:00

It's because of you and your brilliant legal counsel that I'm having to rewrite jury instructions all day-every day at work.

To all you PD's out there (which is all of my readership, go figure) looks like this may be a small victory for you. Have fun getting all of your clients out of jail early!

How Do I Hate T-Mobile? Let Me Count The Ways.

2007-01-27T12:14:00.000-08:00

1. When I tell you that I have clammy hands and that is the reason for my water damage sticker being discolored rather than me dropping my phone in a toilet, STOP CALLING ME A LIAR AND TELLING ME THAT THIS TYPE OF "PHONE DAMAGE" IS NOT COVERED UNDER THE WARRANTY!!! The only thing that seems to be water logged in this scenario is your customer service rep's brain. Clearly.

2. When a little punk kid steals my phone and downloads all sorts of games and pictures DO NOT CALL ME A LIAR AND STILL CHARGE ME FOR THE DAMN THINGS!!! If I report a phone stolen and go through all the trouble to file a stinking police report, and pictures of 14 year old Latina girls start showing up on my phone, it's a safe bet that IT'S NOT ME, YOU RETARDS! Get with the program already.

3. If I go over my minutes because my grandmother is in the hospital practically dying and I'm having to call all my friends five times a day for moral support, GIVE ME A FRIGGIN BREAK!!! It's not the end of the world if you're out a piddly $200. I on the other hand am a broke-ass law student trying to make ends meet on a very meager salary and I have to pay $10 a day for hospital parking so I can watch someone I love rapidly deteriorate. It's okay to something good once in awhile. I know it's a foreign feeling but deal with it. It will only benefit you in the long run.

Having said all that (I should note that I feel a ton better), does anyone have any suggestions for me as to potential replacement cell phone providers? I'm leaning towards Cingular since the office is under contract with them and I get discounted everything, but I'm not sure how reliable their service is or how pleasant customer service reps are for that company. Also, I'm not even sure that I'll get hired with the office at this point. Any tips would appreciated.

I Have No Clue How My Interview Went

2007-01-26T17:45:00.000-08:00

Scary, isn't it? The first one I knew I rocked, the second one I knew went halfway decent, but the third? Well, even though I was there, I still don't know what happened.

We started off by discussing how I got started in the office and what originally prompted me to pursue the field of criminal law. My answers were solid and I was happy. The conversation then turned to my affiliation with Mensa. Mr. Boss-man suggested that the group was made up of a bunch of fuddy duddy's who got together to discuss relevant social and political issues over expensive cigars and snifters of Brandy (I immediately flashed to that one scene in Titanic). I had a solid response to this also. He then asked if I was familiar with the DA website and I told him that I was. He asked about another website, excapingjustice.com, which I had never heard of. I suggested that he write it down so I could check it later, and quicker than I could shoot myself in the foot the man replied, "Well you're in Mensa Ms. B Lawyer, you should be able to remember that." (Ouch. Baaaaaaaaad answer kiddo.) The Chief Deputy then asked me what I did to prepare for the interview upon which I disclosed that I had researched the two of them online and had talked about their history with the office with several of my bosses. I ran through the Chief Deputy's entire background, which I'm sure he was at least somewhat impressed by, and then it was Mr. Boss-man's turn. When we got to him I told him that I knew he lived by my parents (and me of course) and he proceeded to give me directions to the front door of his house, warning me that if I walk by with my dog on Sundays I might catch him out in the front gardening or washing his car. I was so stunned by this that I completely lost all track of the conversation and I'm sure I got this baffled look on my face and/or turned bright bright red. I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT HAPPENED IN THE INTERVIEW FROM THAT POINT ON!!! The last thing I remember was the Chief Deputy giving me the boilerplate about hiring. Then I stood up, shook their hands (with yet again, the clammiest mo-fo's anyone's ever seen this side of the Mississippi) and said, "thank you for the interview" before quickly making my exit.

Ahhh Christ. Knowing me I said/did something absolutely retarded, or just stupid enough to not get hired during my momentary time lapse. I swear, I can't take me anywhere.

Update: I just heard today from one of the DA's that he heard Mr. Boss-man told a law clerk that he frequently washed his car in the buff and she should come by and check him out. Next thing I know he'll have some secret love child with said law clerk. Talk about a game of telephone!!!!!!!

I Could Make a Career Out of Interviewing

2007-01-24T20:36:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is officialy the grand finale people. At 9am sharp, the District Attorney, the Chief Deputy District Attorney, and little old law-clerk me will be sitting across from each other engaged in a discussion that could potentially land me my dream job. I can't believe I'm finally here! It seems like just yesterday I was in law school watching all of my friends go through this process. What a difference a year makes. Now I'm venturing out on my own and developing my career as a new lawyer. Amazing. Just amazing.

Anyhow, I'll keep it short as I still have some much needed interview prep-work to tend to and I don't really have anything interesting to say. Shocker, I know. So with that, nighty night and send good thoughts my way tomorrow morning. I need all the thoughts/prayers/whatevers I can get.

I Heart the D.A.'s Office

2007-01-22T19:58:00.000-08:00

Even though I was so nervous that I stopped breathing a few times and shook my interviewers' hands goodbye with what I can only imagine were the clammiest hands they've ever felt, I somehow made it to round 3.

And what does this mean for me? It means that this Thursday, in the early hours of the morning, I'll be sitting across from Mr. Boss-man hoping I haven't completely forgotten how to speak the English language. This also means that on Wed. night I'll be performing my pre-interview ritual of getting my hair blown out, shaving my legs (twice in one week, can you belive it?!), and performing some type of spray on tan so he doesn't think I'm an albino. Oh yes, and I completely forgot the part where I frantically search through my closet, throw basically everything I own onto my bed and then try on every single combination of suits and blouses and shoes until I find the outfit that makes me look the smartest and least sexy. And we can't forget the hour it takes to coordinate jewelry. Heaven forbid I should wind up with gold earrings when I have silver accents on my purse.

The things I'll do for this office... amazing isn't it?

BIIIIIIIIIIIG Interview Tomorrow

2007-01-21T16:31:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow's the day folks. At 2pm I, B Lawyer, will be trying not to throw up all over myself during my second interview with the Office. I'm so nervous I can't even eat. And that's NEVER a problem for me. So far today I've gone shopping for a new outfit, had my hair blown out (okay, so I did that yesterday), had a mani/pedi with my nana, shaved my legs (this is a rarity for me), gone to the dry cleaner's for rush orders twice because I can't figure out which suit makes me look the smartest, and I think in a few minutes I'm going to have myself mystic tanned. You may be laughing at me right now but keep in mind this is the ONLY job I am applying for. They are going to get me at my best come hail or high water. Now that the outside is in tip top shape I need to work on the inside, meaning I need to sit down and think of clever responses to the question, "Miss B Lawyer, what makes you the best candidate for this position?" Wish me luck tomorrow kiddos!!!

Wish Me Luck

2007-01-20T14:04:00.000-08:00

I'm off in about 30 minutes to have my eyes checked. Let's hope when I get home I don't look like this...

Quote This - Court Edition

2007-01-18T22:17:00.000-08:00

I overheard this conversation today between a woman whose son had just plead guilty to three counts of attempted murder (with personal use of a firearm and a gang allegation) and the defense lawyer who represented aforementioned son. Let's call the son "Jose". I should also mention here that "Jose" took a deal that got him 8 years in state prison. Holy Christ, was that a phenominal deal. Anyhow, here's what I heard.

Woman: "I can't believe that shit you pulled in there."
Defense lawyer: "Excuse me?"
Woman: "You think we respect you? You need to earn my respect. You can't just walk into court and pull shit like that."
Defense lawyer (now turning bright red): "I'm sorry for whatever I did ma'am."
Woman (now speaking VERY loudly): "Well I can't believe you just did that. How can you behave like that and expect the judge to take you seriously. You need to watch yourself. You need to earn some respect around here. You need to respect my son and my family. I don't know how you treat your other clients but if you treat them how you treated us then I feel sorry for them. You really need to be more considerate of people."
Defense lawyer (looking visibly agitated): "Yes ma'am, I'll work on it."

Ummm excuse me lady, but did you take some crazy pills this morning with breakfast?!? You'd think the guy had just scored her son a needle in the arm or something. I mean shit... "Jose" is clearly a bad, bad dude and with good time/work time credits he'll be out and free to shoot the crap out of whomever he chooses in about 4 years. Respect?!?! If anybody needs to learn respect it's this clearly delusional woman who knows nothing about the law and who needs to learn how to keep her mouth closed in public. And how about not chewing out a damn good public defender when two prosecutors are standing a foot away from him. To be perfectly honest, I don't know how you PD's are able to take crap like that and still continue to do your jobs effectively. I'd be out of there quicker than you can say, "they're all guilty your honor."

Yee-Ha!

2007-01-16T20:11:00.000-08:00

I got a call-back today from the Office and my second interview is next Monday! Now I just have to pick out my outfit and think of some catchy little phrases about why I'm such a superstar.

As for the previous post, just ignore it. Whatever happens, happens. I'm over it. Life is too short to worry about the things I am powerless to change. Here's something my grandma gave me today at dinner that brought a smile to my face.

"In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was 'exciting'. Regarding body changes she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist first. The audience laughed so hard they cried. Then she said this, 'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a living is not the same as making a life. I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.' "

And there you go. Nighty night.

This Whole "Dating" Thing Makes Me Crazy - and I'm already pretty crazy to begin with

2007-01-15T11:14:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I'm **"dating" this guy. I must have referenced him in one of my previous posts as I've received more than a few emails asking me who this mystery man is. Well, what I'm about to tell you may clue you in to this ***fine young gentleman's identity, if you really know me that is. If not, then too bad-so sad for you. For now let's just call him DB. Okay? And by the way, there will be no commenting to this post with suggestions of who you think this boy is. If you really, really, really need to know you can send me a message on myspace and I'll contemplate telling you if you're right.

Clue number one:
Let's just say this isn't the first time DB and I have "dated". And it ain't the second time either. In fact, I think this is the third or fourth time we've tried this whole "dating" thing actually.

Clue number two:
Shit, I can't think of anything else clever to say.

The whole point of this lame post:
Ok, so here goes. I spent the weekend at DB's place playing house and as I was leaving this morning I just happened to glance over at his computer while I was giving him a kiss on the head. Much to my dismay, I saw that he had a message from Yahoo personals in his inbox. So I thought for a minute and I remembered when I had my personal ad up, how I'd get these hilarious updates of people who Yahoo thought would be my perfect match. Needless to say they were anything but perfect matches. I distinctly remember those little emails providing me with more laughter than most other things at one point. So I brushed it off and figured, hey, what the hell. DB probably just reads the stupid things for laughter, much like I used to do. And that was it. Case closed.

I left DB's place a few minutes later and drove home, the whole time singing at the top of my lungs to some lame ass Britney compilation I found in my glove compartment. But that's neither here nor there. So I got home and maybe an hour later I went online and checked my email. I sent some IM's, yada yada. Then it hit me. Check to see if the little effer has his Yahoo profile still up. Mind you, mine went down the second time we started "dating", just out of respect for him, so I wasn't too horribly terrified about finding anything since I figured he'd have done the same for me.

So there I am, I'm browsing, checking out all sorts of hotties and their cheesy headlines and then all of a sudden BAM, there's the little effer's picture. My heart started to race. And, his profile says that he's been active w/in the last 24 hours. Un-effing-believable. At this point I thought my heart was going to explode. Even better was that within his profile DB said, "I long for somebody who makes me want to stop looking.....somebody who balances normal with unique......somebody with character. I'm anxious, patient, and optimistic......but I know you're out there." What did I do next you might wonder? No, my heart didn't explode, but oh hell, did I do all kinds of freaking out. Palms were sweating, I felt my face turn a shade of red that probably terrified my cat, and curse words I haven't uttered in a LONG time were spewing out of my mouth in a tone of voice that almost scared me a little bit. Yep, I had a full-blown freak out.

So I hop on AIM and we had a nice little chat:
Me (11:00:34 AM): are you fucking kidding me [DB]?!?!
DB (11:00:40 AM): ?
DB (11:00:45 AM): what's wrong?
Me (11:01:00 AM): you've got to be kidding me
DB (11:01:05 AM): what?
Me (11:01:15 AM): [This is where I cut and pasted text from his personals profile.]
DB (11:01:23 AM): ha!
Me (11:01:26 AM): ha my ass
Me (11:01:33 AM): are you fucking kidding me
DB (11:01:36 AM): i wrote that 2 years ago
Me (11:01:47 AM): and apparently never felt the need to take it down
DB (11:01:53 AM): i never check it
Me (11:02:06 AM): right...that's why it says active w/in the past 24 hours.
DB (11:02:14 AM): i got the email
DB (11:02:22 AM): and logged into my yahoo mail account
Me (11:02:29 AM): gotcha
DB (11:02:34 AM): don't get all poopy
DB (11:02:42 AM): i'm not looking!
Me (11:02:51 AM): well i see shit like that and i get all freaked out
DB (11:03:01 AM): apparently
Me (11:03:12 AM): so what am i supposed to think when i see shit like this
DB (11:03:28 AM): that it's very old
Me (11:03:33 AM): ok
Me (11:03:40 AM): if you say that you're not using it then i believe you
DB (11:03:47 AM): i'm not using it

And that's that. I trust my guy. In the past I would have scolded him for days for doing crap like this but really, where is that going to get me. It's not like he did anything wrong by putting up a personal ad while we were broken up. Nor would it have been wrong of him to use it until maybe a month ago. I like that it's becoming easier and easier to trust him. I like where we are. I like that if he tells me he's not looking, I believe him instantly. He doensn't have to talk me into it. But there is one thing that's bothering me though. For some reason I can't help but feel like I should have asked him to take it down. Is that reasonable to ask of someone you're just "dating"?

_____________________________________________
**I put the word dating in quotation marks because I'm not sure yet that this is what we're calling it. In the past week I've heard him refer to what we're doing as 'talking a lot'. Oh let me tell you, that made me soooo happy to hear coming out of his mouth. Not. Soooooo not.

***The words "fine" and "young" are subject to removal in the event that DB turns out be doing what it is I thought he was in "the whole point of this lame post" portion.

Quote of the Day

2007-01-03T18:28:00.000-08:00

"I want to wish you all a happy new year, filled with inattentive clients and easily-misled judges."

-Anonymous Lawyer

Hello 2007

2007-01-01T16:42:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have to be perfectly honest about something. As I was sitting down to do this list it dawned on me that I don't have very many goals for the year. I really had to work just to come up with this short list of 10 goals. Not that I don't need improvement or want certain things to happen for me this year, but I think with all of 2006's big events most of my life goals have been checked off. I think this just might be a development year for me. I'm just starting my career, I've started a new relationship with an amazing person, and I'm starting to figure out my adult self. The way I look at it, life is good as is. All I need now are a few material things and I'm good.

On a different note, I hope everyone had a fun and safe New Year's celebration last night. I was sans phone so my apologies for not calling or texting anyone. Apparently this was not a bright move on my part, as evidenced by several of you calling me and chewing me out today. All I can say in my defense is that the blonde is fake but the dumb is real. Sorry people. It's better that you find out now just how truly retarded I can be sometimes.

To-do list for '07:

Get hired as an attorney with the Office (if this doesn't happen I'll be devastated)
Work out more (perhaps get a trainer as well)
Get a new cell phone (one that actually works would be nice)
Get a new car (mine decided to be bitchy and conk out on me in San Diego this morning. What a way to ring in the new year.)
Keep eating healthy (for some reason this isn't a problem for me right now)
Drink less alcohol (oh, but this sure is)
Only maintain relationships if they are healthy ones (as is this. Biiiiiiiig problem actually.)
Buy a house (or at least start looking)
Get a financial planner so I can start managing my money (all two cents of it)
Take a vacation that forces me to leave the country (Thailand perhaps)

What a Difference a Year Makes

2006-12-30T11:51:00.000-08:00

It's the close of another year and as usual, I'm sitting here analyzing how 2006 compared with past years. After careful consideration (all 5 minutes of it) I've gotta tell you, this year hasn't been half bad. This year I've somehow managed to graduate law school, pass the bar, clean up some major emotional confusion, and get my first "real" job. For the first time I really feel like I've come into my own. Yes, I've had some minor setbacks and granted I'm still living at home with mommy and daddy but hey, if that's the worst of my problems then I've got it made.

Looking back on things, especially at how miserable I was for the most part of 2005, I can't help but realize that all the torment and angst that I experienced was self-imposed. Shit happened I'll admit, but the way I handled certain situations was juvenile at best. Mentally I was unprepared and immature and I think that of all my accomplishments this year the one that I'm the most thankful for and most appreciate is the fact that I've emotionally grown up. I've learned that if someone leaves my world it's not the end of life as I know it. If someone hurts me it's up to me to choose how I react. Someone else's choice of actions does not necessarily have to affect me unless I choose to let it. I choose my actions based on what I know to be the right thing, not what I think will make the most people happy. It is perfectly acceptable to say "no" to people.

I think that if 2005 represented my ultimate slump, 2006 marks my year of ultimate independence and growth. Having said all that, I'm going to celebrate this fantastic year by getting fantastically drunk. Be safe everyone!

My last New Year's eve post:

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Happy New Year
Current Mood: disappointed

The way I look at it, it can only get better. 2005 was a piece of shit.

Tomorrow I Might Own This

2006-12-28T22:12:00.000-08:00

Holy shit. I'm buying my first "real" car. And it's expensive as all hell. Yikes! But at least it's cute. Much like it's soon-to-be owner. :)

Oh yes, I almost forgot. Do you think that buying a car before I get this job/promotion is a boneheaded move? My reason for just getting it now rather than waiting until interview results come out is that it's always going to be something. First it was, "oh, I can't get it now because I'm in law school and don't know if I'll make it all the way through." That turned into, "and I definitely can't get it now because I don't know if I'll pass the bar." Which has now evolved into, "I don't know if I'll get promoted so I probably shouldn't buy it yet." I just don't see that cycle ever ending. It'll always be something, won't it?

Oh well, nighty night kiddos.

Round One Not A Huge Success All Around

2006-12-27T20:52:00.000-08:00

I've been talking to the other girls around the office who interviewed for the D.D.A. I position and the consensus is that the first round of interviews completely sucked. Even the ever-so-confident girl that sits in the cube in front of me was crapping her pants after round one. And I never thought I'd see that day as long as I live. I mean she's normally that self-confident.

I just feel bad because my very close friend felt like she tanked her interview today. Ahhh well. At least it's over. And, if she really did blow it this afternoon there's always next year. What makes me feel even worse though is that she knows how wonderful I felt about my interview. Crap. I should have kept my stupid trap shut until I found out how hers went.

But all this leaves me thinking? Should I be concerned that I'm the only one who thought my interview went fairly well? Is that the Office's way of telling me I'm a complete eff-tard and that they want absolutely nothing to do with me? Christ, why do I always overthink things...

James Brown is Dead (oh, and Merry Christmas)

2006-12-25T21:31:00.000-08:00

No really, he be dead folks. The Godfather of Soul has officially left the building. If you don't believe me you can read about it here. James was quoted as saying, "I'm going away tonight" sometime before he passed away. Sadly enough, the man was only 73. I remember when I used to think that was ancient. Now, for some reason it seems like too young an age to have the curtain close.

Anyhow, in light of the fact that I'm now obsessed with finding out everyone's criminal past, I thought I'd share this:

Brown's personal life was marked by several brushes with the law. At the age of 16, he was arrested for theft and served 3 years in prison. Adrienne Rodriegues, his third wife, had him arrested four times on charges of assault between the mid-1980s and mid-1990s. Brown also served 2 years of a 6 year jail sentence after he led police on a car chase across the Georgia/South Carolina border in 1988. He was convicted of carrying an unlicensed pistol and assaulting a police officer, along with threatening pedestrians with a firearm, abuse of PCP, and other driving offenses.

Awesome. Just effing brilliant. I'd like to see some other celeb try get away with crap like that. Can you imagine Brit-Brit or Paris assaulting a cop, pistol whipping innocent bystanders and then driving 150 down the 405 all the while high on coke?!?! They would be hauled off to jail for 5+ faster than you can say "unfit mother" or "filthy whore".

Here are some other random factoids I happened to dig up on Wikipedia about the late Mr. Brown:

Brown had his natural eyebrows replaced with tattooed ones in 1991.
Brown holds the record for the artist who has charted the most singles on the Billboard Hot 100 without ever hitting number one on that chart.
A mistaken news broadcast reported Brown as dead in 1992. A sample of that broadcast became the basis of a techno hit called "James Brown Is Dead".

*In lighter news, I thoroughly cleaned up during the unwrapping-of-the-presents portion of today's events. Let's just say that the theme this year was "Diamonds and Pearls" baby. You know... like that old Prince song. Laaaaaaame, I know. But anyhow, I'll update tomorrow with some pics of my new stuff if I can figure out how to work this new camera dealie.

__________________________________________________
*Yes, I'm aware it's tacky to gloat about presents in a death post. Sue me.

Guts v. Balls

2006-12-24T10:24:00.000-08:00

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom and asking, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, having lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying, "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference as both ultimately result in death.

Plan "Staying Alive Past Thirty"

2006-12-24T08:21:00.000-08:00

I decided I'd share with y'all what I'm now doing to lower my cholesterol since I'd very much like to see myself live to the ripe old age of at least 40.

Morning: 1 tbsp. flax seed oil washed down by 2 tbsp. psyllium husk in 10 oz water (this is in lieu of breakfast, since I don't eat in the mornings as it is)

Lunch: take 2 tbsp. apple cider vinegar prior to meal (avoid: red meat, non-raw cheese, fried foods, etc. and try to throw in some fish)

Dinner: a whole clove of garlic (or a garlic capsule if I'm going to see anyone after) washed down by 2 more tbsp. apple cider vinegar prior to meal (I usually eat only veggies for dinner since I always eat with my grandparents who are strict organic vegetarians)

After dinner: work out dammit!

Also: Don't eat anything made w/butter during the holidays - yes, this means no cookies or lemon bars. Drink more red wine and less vodka. No more cigarettes PERIOD! And finally, lay of the God damn ranch dressing!!!

So in about two-three months we shall see if these new modifications have any effect on my cholesterol, or my general health for that matter. I'm quite positive the new additions can only help me seeing as how they're completely natural and bound to promote liver health (which in turn will affect my LDL level), but we'll see in exactly what ways they help after my next blood test.

Happy holidays everyone!!!

Ummmmmm

2006-12-22T20:07:00.000-08:00

Is it a bad thing that my cholesterol level is 198? Yeah, I'm so going to die at 30.

Goal for tomorrow: finally get my fat, unhealthy ass to the friggin spinning class I've been putting off for two years. No more law school = no more excuses. End of story.

"Kentucky Fruit Cake Recipe"

2006-12-21T19:17:00.000-08:00

Ingredients:

1 Cup water
8 oz mixed nuts
1 Cup brown sugar
1 Cup butter
1 tsp. salt
2 Cup dried fruit
4 large eggs
Juice of 1 lemon
1 tea spoon baking powder
1 bottle bourbon (Buffalo Trace or Blanton's works well)

Method:
Sample the bourbon to check quality (very important).
Take a large bowl.
Re-sample the bourbon to ensure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat that procedure.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one tsp sugar and beat again.
Make sure the bourbon is still okay. Cry another tup.
Turn on the mixerer.
Break two eggs and add to the bowl, chuck in the dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loos with a drewscriver.
Sample the bourbon to check for tonsiscency.
Next sift two cups of salt, or . . . something. Who cares?

Check the bourbon.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table to the spoon. Of sugar or something. . . Whatever you can find. . . Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turnerer.
Throw the bowl out of the window, check the bourbon again and go to bed.

Don't forget to search the house for the fruitcake you so painstakingly baked the night before. If you can't find it, it was probably those damn yankees! Some things never change.

Things That Blow - Music Edition

2006-12-21T18:20:00.000-08:00

Ok, ok, ok. Now you guys can't tell me that any of you out there actually enjoy listening to these new Gwen Stefani and Fergie songs they're playing on the radio these days. I mean really. I just had to sit through Fergie's latest "hit" and holy shit, I'm dumber for having listened to all three tortuous minutes of it. Does Fergie think that she's in a spelling bee for chrissake?!?! Why is it that every word in every single one of her songs has to be spelled? And incorrectly?!?! Is that her target audience? Deaf people who failed kindergarten???? And another thing. Is her new album even music? I thought for sure that Gwen had cornered the bad music market when she threw in "The Sound of Music" in her last song but Fergie is giving her a good run for her money with this latest trainwreck of hers. And oh man, not to bring back painful memories, but London Bridge honey? What were you thinking! I've heard better lyrics come out of my ass after bad sushi.

On another note, some of you may or may not know that I'm on myspace. Well, from time to time, I get these lame ass guys who send me absolutely ridiculous messages. A few weeks ago there was this one guy who calls himself "Jerry". Our email messages went like this:

From: jerry
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:15 PM
i would love to do you tonight can we meet

From: (¯`·¸·´¯) BRANDITO, Esq.
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:16 PM
Nice pickup line... you really get girls w/that?

From: jerry
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:18 PM
yes i do
can we meet tonight

From: (¯`·¸·´¯) BRANDITO, Esq.
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:20 PM
no

From: jerry
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:24 PM
ok how about tomorrow

From: (¯`·¸·´¯) BRANDITO, Esq.
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:25 PM
how about no

From: jerry
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:26 PM
ok just give me a jb

From: (¯`·¸·´¯) BRANDITO, Esq.
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:27 PM
a what? "jb"?!?!?! if you're talking about a "bj" you must be dyslexic or something and i don't do dyslexics....sorry kiddo.

From: jerry
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:30 PM
yes bj i am not dyslexic .but i am big thick and hard .do you swallow

From: BRANDITO, Esq.
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:33 PM
Well thanks for informing me about your penile beauty and all of its glory. Unfortunately for you my dear, you will never know the answer to your question. Good luck getting laid tonight though. Apparently you need it very badly.

From: jerry
Date: Nov 24 2006 5:37 PM
not as bad as you do.

Well today I got this:
From: jerry
Date: Dec 21 2006 5:25 AM
when can we meet

You've got to be kidding me.....

One Step Closer

2006-12-20T17:31:00.000-08:00

So I'm pretty sure my interview today went as well as it could have. For some reason my usual nervous self was nowhere to be found and the interviewers got... well... me. It was kinda nice not having to worry about what was going to come out of my mouth because for once, I had control over it for the most part. I guess now we just wait until January to see if they liked me as much as I thought they did. Then we move on to the grueling round two of the interview process. I'll keep y'all updated when I find out more. Thanks for all the good thoughts today! They worked!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

2006-12-19T20:47:00.000-08:00

My interview for DDA I is tomorrow!!!!!! Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap, holy crap! Please oh please think good thoughts for me tomorrow at 2:00 p.m. This is the only job I'm applying for and if I don't get it I think I'll just die. I have my outfit all picked out and ready to go and my hair is perfectly blown out. So on the outside I'll actually look halfway decent for a change. Now all I need is a brain transplant and I'm good to go. Think my office will finally figure out tomorrow that I'm a dumb blonde? Shit I hope not. Anyhow, wish me luck guys!

Defense Lawyers Make Nice

2006-12-14T22:37:00.000-08:00

So there's this little shin-dig that's thrown every year by these three defense lawyers here in L.A.; Kissel, Kestenbaum and Israels (all from different firms I think). Anyhow, it was tonight at Sagebrush Cantina and I went. There were about 500 people there and it was fairly ok. TONS of DA's telling me I'm bound to get hired (I'm knocking on wood right now and you should be too) and a lot of defense lawyers who told me that I'm an idiot because I want to work for the "dark side". Ha, since when did we become the "dark side"? I guess it was kind of neat because I got to hang out with one of the judges I voted for in this past election. The funny part about it was, I had no idea who he was for half the time we were talking. He walked up to me and said, "hey I've seen you around the office, I'm Dave Stewart" and I was like, "oh yeah, I see you every day in the elevator". Then, after we were talking for a few minutes I thought to myself, B, you're such a retard. This is THE Dave Stewart. The one you voted for in the last election Dave Stewart. No wonder the name sounded so familiar. I swear. Sometimes I can be such an idiot. Anyhow, turns out Mr. Stewart is a pretty cool guy and I sure as hell hope he makes a decent judge over at Metro. Good choice for those of you who voted for him as well.

On a different note, I'm so over these holiday events. I've had work lunches all week, family events every night, and I have two more parties this weekend, one of which is black tie (meaning I actually have to shave my legs for once). All I want to do is just be able to come home from work, hop in the tub and have a glass of wine before I hit the hay at 10pm. Is that too much for a girl to ask?

Big Ballin'

2006-12-12T22:02:00.000-08:00

Today was neat. Me and a few of my other girlfriends who passed the bar decided to head over to the Omni for this L. A. Barrister's event. Mainly we saw the words, "open bar" and "free food" and decided that it was worth a shot. So we went, we saw, we mingled, we ate, we drank, and then we left. The event itself was fairly dull, but as we were trying to get a ride home it got a little more interesting. My friend and I walked outside and told the valet that we needed a cab. Maybe it was the suits, the smell of really expensive vodka on our breaths or just our sheer combined hotness (yeah, stop laughing) but the guy said, "wait here... I'll get the towncar for you." So my friend and I piled into the hotel car with two other women and the woman in the front seat turned around and asked us where we were going. When we told her we were going back to our office she laughed and turned to her friend and said, "these L.A. lawyers... always working. Must be some big case." Ha, right. If she only knew we were going back to the office just to pick up our cars and go home. So I turned to my co-worker and smiled and told the lady, "huge case actually" just before I jumped out of the car and started laughing hysterically. Big case... yeah, if that's what we're calling Jason's birthday these days.
:)

UCI Gets a Law School

2006-12-08T08:31:00.000-08:00

How funny is it that in my last year at UCI I voted on this. I'm just sorry the Regents couldn't get their shit together sooner so I could have attended. I loved that place. Maybe a little too much. Ok, so a lot too much, as my grades definitely reflect. I don't know what it is about really, really good Asian food, great friends and great shopping, but that city has my heart. It's just a shame that the first incoming class won't graduate until 2012.

Nuthin' But Trouble

2006-12-05T20:21:00.000-08:00

It's crazy. I've only been a lawyer for 48 hours and I've already managed to get myself in trouble with my boss. Who does that? I'll update more about the madness at work tomorrow night. By then I will have experienced all of the following:

A thorough ass-kicking by my boss (this should be the most fun)
Hearing all my co-workers talk behind my back about what an idiot I am (also good times)
An explanation by Ampco System Parking as to why my bank account was charged $260 for two months of parking that I've clearly already paid for (I should also note that this caused an important check to bounce)
A lunch in honor of me and another bar passer at our office (did I mention this little shin-dig is being put together and paid for by my boss?)
And finally, my first mojito (to soothe my ego after the beating I'm going to take tomorrow)

I know this all sounds confusing, but trust me, tomorrow you'll see what I'm talking about. And you're also going to laugh heartily at my expense.

It's Official. I'm a Lawyer!

2006-12-02T20:57:00.000-08:00

I was sworn in yesterday at my old alma mater, allowing me to practice in both California state court and in the United States District Court for the Central District of California. It was a fantastic day for me and for my family; even more special than graduation. My grandparents were ecstatic and so proud, and for the first time in about six months, they were happy. They felt great, they chatted up all my other friends, and they even ventured out and met new people on their own. I haven't seen them like that in years. My grandmother ate like a horse, instead of a bird. My grandfather found the pasta bar and three beers later I could hardly tear him away from the damn thing. I think that seeing them enjoy themselves and be social was by far the highlight of my evening, and was so much more fulfilling than any of the night's events.

The ceremony itself lasted for about 30 min's and was pretty okay. One of the judges was a little boring, but nothing too bad. My favorite part of the speech portion was hearing this one quote I think I will remember for the rest of my life. "In your lifetime you will undoubtedly accumulate hundreds of files from clients you've represented, but you will only have one reputation." Great advice from a great lawyer, and I'm sure also a fairly decent judge.

After the ceremony, the school put on this nice little reception with some good eats and three different bar areas. Not too shabby for Southwestern actually. They really went all-out for this. I think it's events like this that they want us to remember when they hit up the alumni for money. So at this reception, while my friends and I were chatting it up over some pâté and wine, I ran into my absolute favorite professor. She was speaking to someone else, but when she saw me she immediately excused herself, grabbed my hand and said, "Miss. X, now that you're officially a lawyer I would love it if you could come in to my class and speak to my students about what it's like to work as a new lawyer at the District Attorney's Office." This, coming from someone I respect and admire so very much was truly an honor. Now all I have to do is get myself actually hired as a lawyer!

Ahhh, it was a great day.

I Heart Steve Cooley

2006-11-30T19:39:00.000-08:00

I went to this information session today that was conducted by the L.A. County District Attorney's Office. I was told by one of the new-hire trainers that it would be a good thing so I could get some face time with The Boss. Aside from that, I was told it would be a couple of attorneys with the office going over the benefits of the job, salary stuff, yada yada yada. I know what you're thinking. Booooring. And yeah, I suspected it was going to be pretty blah, but I figured, how bad could it really be?

What I thought would happen:
I would just sit there and listen to the yada yada with my three other girlfriends, and then when it's all over, I'd walk up to Cooley, introduce myself and see how it goes; face time basically.

What actually happened:
DA 1 stands up and talks about the logistics of the office. He talks about pay, office locations and the structure of employment as an attorney with the office. This was the yada yada I expected we were going to be doing the entire time. So he goes on for about 10 minutes and then he's done. All-in-all, not too boring really. Plus he's the guy who interviewed me for my Senior Clerk position so I enjoyed watching him in a more relaxed atmosphere. Come to find, he's a really nice guy and very, very bright.

Cooley gets up immediately thereafter and talks about more yada yada. But he really sold me his yada. I really believed him when he told us that our potential future jobs would be the most meaningful work we would ever have. At this point I realized that I officially heart Steve Cooley. Wow, I never thought those words would ever come out of my mouth.

Next we get DA 2, who gets up and starts talking about how much he loves his job. This guy has college-aged children, come to find, and he looks about 35. Awesome. From this guy I learned that you can be a lawyer and age well. So DA 2 keeps talking and I'm listening, and he keeps just going on and on and on about how much he loves his job. By this time I've moved on from his appearance and I'm really listening to what this guy has to say. He's talking about gang murders, sex crimes, all the really juicy stuff our office has to offer. Right about then, as he was speaking, I was thinking to myself, "Yeah, stick it to those bad guys. You go guy!"

Then comes DA 3, the guy who got me to come to the session in the first place. He tells us that the man who wrote Jim Carrey's, "The Cable Guy" is an attorney with the office. Apparently we have child actors in the office too. I'll have to go find those guys and ask for autographs. I bet that's a good way to get me hired for this next class. Not. After the office stats were over he talks about how we make a difference as prosecutors. He tells us stories about how we save lives by putting away the guy who "almost" beat his wife to death the last time they fought. About how the gang members we put in jail on LWOP's can't kill anymore innocent people. I bet you can tell what I was doing at this point. It was all I could do to not jump right out of my chair and holler a whooping, "Amen brotha". Needless to say, I was all worked up by now.

Then DA 4 comes out to speak (a baby DA), and she shares her stories about trying 10 felonies in her first year and a half at the office. It was like taking a syringe of pure adrenaline and injecting it into my veins.

By the end of the mini Q&A sesh that immediately followed, I was Superstar Eager Wanna-be Prosecutor Girl, with clammy hands and a nervous stomach to boot. I almost did "spirit fingers" for Chrissake. So I immediately jump up out of my seat the moment the applause ends, anxious to be the first one to shake hands with The Boss, feeling like I did when I first realized why I wanted to be a District Attorney. I felt like I was going to change the world. And then I met Steve. Mr. Cooley. Boss-man. How he understood anything that was frantically coming out of my mouth at top-speed was beyond me, but suffice it to say, the man gave me some great advice. Then I made my rounds and I was out. All-in-all I'd say it was a fairly lovely and successful evening for a hopeful prosecutor like myself. Just dandy.

Jak sie masz? My name Borat. I like you. I like sex. Is nice!

2006-11-26T16:32:00.002-08:00

If you guys haven't crawled out of your post-bar glory holes to see Sacha Baron Cohen as Borat, you don't deserve to get sworn in this Friday night. It was amazing. The kind of amazing that only comes along once in a blue moon. Go see it now! Seriously. Like now. Right f-ing now. With your parents. Not.

I made the mistake of seeing this flick with my mom and step-dad who thankfully are two of the most chill people in the world. However, I would NOT recommend that anyone else see this movie with their parental unit. There was one part where, regardless of how amazingly open-minded my parents are, I just had to cover my face with my hands. All I'm going to say, without giving away the entire scene, is that it had to do with two naked men. One man was straddling another man's face and pretty much rubbing his asshole on his moustache. Did I say too much? I mean full frontal male nudity is one thing, but holy crap!!!! I have NEVER seen anything that rivaled this scene in terms of its grotesque factor. And this, coming from someone who made it a career of watching gay-midget-fifty-year-old porn just for shits and giggles. That should adequately describe the icky-ness of this scene. And if it doesn't, there's this nice little part shortly thereafter where Borat tells his little buddy that his moustache still tastes of his testes. Ok, wrong. Just plain wrong. On sooo many levels. Not to mention especially wrong to someone who is watching it with the woman who gave birth to her.

So there I am sitting in the movie theater (at this point I literally had to move so I was a seat away from my parents) and while I'm embarrassed as all hell, I look over at my mother and step-father and they're practically falling out of their chairs they're laughing so hard. Nice. I'm completely embarrassed and they don't even realize I'm sitting right next to them. F-ing brilliant.

So after I mentally regrouped and got over the whole cock and ball sideshow, (never did I move back to my original seat I might add) things calmed down and I was only forced to see a few more ass shots before the credits started rolling. Then, as my family and I are walking outside, my step-dad leans over to me and says, "Oksana huh? I think our Oksana is a little different than the one in that movie. Ours is a hot little piece of ass." Oh gee. Thanks step-dad. Thanks sooo much for that. Hell, at that point I was just thankful I didn't have to hear the word "vagine" anymore that anything would have been music to my ears. But Okie, if you're reading this, my apologies. You know we all think you're hot, but apparently my step-dad and his little manly-man club worship you as well.

So there you have it. Borat was absolutely killer dammit.

Quote of the day:
Borat Sagdiyev: What kind of car can I buy that attract woman with shaved vagine?
Car Dealership owner: That would be a Corvette.

Note To Self

2006-11-25T22:52:00.000-08:00

Never, EVER leave your drink at a table where other people have access to it or accept drinks from strangers. This rule applies even when accepting drinks from "famous" strangers. If you do something this stupid in the future Miss Smarty Pants Lawyer Girl, you only have yourself to blame if your idiot-ass gets roofied again.

Newly added to the list of things I'm thankful for:

My parents, for taking care of my me even though I whined pathetically for hours on end
The fact that I have some halfway decent friends (The not-so-decent friends know who they are.)
Warm baths
Coffee and other caffeinated substances
That the govt. official conducting my background check was nowhere in sight (Thank F-ing God!)
Club security for "taking care" of the celebrity who roofied me (Oh wait. No. I take that back. Eff club security for blaming me, claiming that I was voluntarily intoxicated and trying to get attention by blaming a celebrity. Yeah, that sounds about right.)